it was not the weight

Walking every day was never about weight loss for me. It was always about feeling the best me I could be. Like I did it to reach what I wanted each day. Not what I could achieve. I stopped step counting months ago. Stopped timing my walks. Or my yoga. Or meditation. I just did the practice. Over a year ago I was obese. My wife showed me a photo of then me. I was shocked. I just never knew. Then we moved. I started longer walks and stopped drinking. Eating kind of changed. Often now I only eat one meal a day. A big meal. With cookies after.

So what the F happened? Months ago my wife commented when we were laying in bed my tummy was smaller. I don’t know by how much. Then more months went by. People started commenting. My daughter in law told me I looked so good. A family friend saw me out and told my wife I looked much smaller. A waiter at a restaurant I frequent told me I had lost weight.

I had never weighed myself before. So no idea the starting line. Finally my daughter bought a scale for us and I refused. I felt afraid. I did not want to know. Finally I did. I weighed 170 pounds. Around 77 kg. I believe now I must have weighed 250 before. Or over. I believe now I gently lost about 80 pounds. It took over a year. More like 1.5 years. People now say I am smaller. My Khmer mom was so happy to see me but more so when she saw how I looked. My wife is delighted.

Here’s the real story. None of the clothes she bought for me before fit now. A nice collared shirt is tent like. The pants just slide down. A t shirt that barely fit then is now way too big.

So it comes down to how I feel. I feel better. More healthy. I still eat what I wish. I still don’t drink much beer. I like donuts and cookies. My wife cooks very healthy meals for me. Sometimes I only eat one meal a day. The other food is fruit and maybe toast.

I’ve never felt I dieted. Or challenged or failed. Or told I should. This just happened. Gradually. From walking hours each day. Doing restorative yoga. Meditation. I don’t discount anything.

One thing which seems a downer is I don’t feel any happier. Some days I feel decidedly unhappy and morose. I guess because I am not a generally happy person. Also the house has a deleterious affect on how I feel. Just being honest here.

So it was not the weight. Or the loss. Or a goal or medical advice. It just was what happened and still does. I am still gradually losing weight I believe. At some point I must reach some plateau. I don’t know where it is.

I do mention this because I am no poster child for weight loss or good diet. I just did this thing over a year. If I can do it anyone can.

My wife started walking every day months ago. I am very proud of her. My daughter is doing the same. Both want what I have done. I hope they find it. I’m still looking. I never finish with things. There is no done state. There is the doing.

So it was not the weight or losing it. It was just what I did. Continue to do. I doubt I will ever be obese again. This has not been some diet thing with goals or stress or failure thing.

It’s just what happened to me. There’s me now. This same person. Finding the same way through sometimes what seems like one day.

I look at myself now and since I never started this as some program or challenge or goal I have no real sense of finishing. What I do feel is this continuum. This sense of going. Doing.

I sit for coffee now and look back. I don’t see some fat person then. My friend art lost weight with some diet and very restricted plan of what to eat. He tracked it all in a spreadsheet. I could never do this. And I didn’t. When I look at his pictures now he lost weight. To me he does not look happy. It’s like he has this spreadsheet for life. There’s this struggling person inside that forever wants out. We don’t talk much. Time has passed us by. I just see this person who rose to his moment but never surpassed it.

What is there to do when your life is measured in calories and steps. Forever on the same way. I mentioned earlier I am not particularly happy but it has nothing to do with what I did ir still do. It still is not weight loss. It is doing all the things I love. Including eating, drinking a beer when I want, and not feeling I have this inner struggle over that one kind of food I dearly love but simply cannot do.

I don’t want that life. It was not the weight. It was me just doing the things I do.